Burnout, Recovery, and Moving On

A condensed tale of a small business owner(me), a multi-year Covid burnout, and eventually finding a bit of clarity... plus five tips if you're feeling stuck

Hi Everyone!

I’m so happy you’re here! I’m starting this Substack with my story of burnout and how I came back. I hope something is helpful if you’re feeling stuck, and if you’re not feeling stuck, I hope it’s interesting.

(Here’s an audio version if you prefer to listen, and if you just want the 5 ways to get unstuck I’d love for you to read all the way through, but you can just scroll to the end.)

I was in the Trader Joe’s parking lot, groceries tucked away, about to pull out, when a crisp public radio voice announced it. California was shutting down. The realization that my four yoga studios were also shutting, for who knows how long stunned me, and my body filled with panic. The business had a month or two in cash reserves, and after that, I wouldn’t be able to pay my rent, much less my studios’.

The panic fueled me. I went home, spent a weekend researching cameras and mics, started a Zoom account, and had an online studio up in a few days. I thought it would just be for a month or so, but as we all know, it kept going and going and going.

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I made a long-planned move to Portland in May of 2020, so I was 600 miles away from my business. The first year I stayed healthy and engaged. I rolled with it. I’m good in a crisis, and I was happy in Portland. I bought my first house and hiked and cooked and spent a lot of time with my family. There were government funds, and I was optimistic. 

We all know what happened over the next few years. It was really hard for everyone in so many different ways. For me, there was an endless series of pivots. Hurray, it’s time to open! No, it’s time to close. Masks, no masks. Every change meant more unhappy people emailing me and more intense work that often had to be undone a few weeks later. Eventually, it felt like nothing I did made much difference.

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In the second year, I had an acute mental health crisis, which I’ll write about someday. It was followed by a long, low-grade depression. I declared that I was on sabbatical and let my hyper-competent director take charge. I understand now that “sabbatical” was a euphemism for deep burnout. Taking time off wasn’t a bad idea, but it wasn’t entirely possible to do, and meanwhile, the supply of government loans was draining. 

Eventually, there was not enough money for my director’s salary. I had to let her go, which was incredibly difficult. Not only did she hold the threads of my business together, she was a friend. And as things often go for me, I didn’t know until I knew. I did the best I could, but the timing wasn’t great for her. (But is it ever?) I’m guessing she felt betrayed, and our friendship didn’t survive it.

I closed the studios one at a time until finally, in August of 2023, there was just one. I sold what was left, which was enough to keep an online studio with a handful of loyal students. It lasted three months. I closed Square One completely at the end of 2023, and after the final payroll, there was $87.

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I had so many ideas for my new professional life. Teacher training, courses, retreats, private clients, breathwork. I started every one of them with enthusiasm that quickly fizzled and died. I could barely return emails. I let paperwork slide. One day, leaving my therapist’s office, I threw my hands up and bawled, “I just feel so stuck!” 

And I was. I had a herniated disc that wasn’t getting better, and so many of the things that always helped me feel better, like my yoga practice and hiking, were progressively harder and harder to do. One thing that consistently made me gasp with pain was sitting at my desk, so working became not just emotionally fraught, but physically painful.

I began to prioritize rest and therapy and staying with my practice, which got gentler and gentler and eventually became lying on my back to practice yoga nidra. (More on that below.)

Eventually, I remembered that I've made a lot of good decisions in my life. I gave myself permission to make more, even if they were scary. The big one that cleared an enormous amount of energy was allowing myself to let go of social media. Suddenly, I had space to focus on things that matter to me. It came down to just two: writing and teaching more.

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(And a plug for my teaching: Gillian Hull and I are preparing a yoga teacher training that starts in September.

It’s 100% online and offers the community, knowledge, and skills to build a strong personal practice. You’ll also learn to teach informed, safe, accessible classes. The world needs more of those. I hope you'll join us.)

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In a distilled way, here’s what I learned about getting unstuck:

1. Trust your instincts. You’ve made a lot of good decisions in your life. It might not feel like it because you’ve also made some that you regret. Trust me, they made you wiser. You are more likely to make decisions that work for you now. 

2. Consider what you need to give up. Listen to your body. If you’re feeling a lot of resistance towards something, there’s a reason. Can you find a way to let it go?

3. You have more tools and support than you realize. It might take time, but allies and bridges will appear.

4. If a change is calling you, visualize yourself in five years if you haven't gone for it. In ten years? Visualize what it will feel like if you have gone for it. What's your body telling you?

5. Practice yoga nidra. Yoga nidra is a guided relaxation that often includes an invitation to set a resolve. Yoga nidra not only soothes my nervous system, it subtly leads me exactly where I need to go. I’m including a recording here for paid subscribers. Please lie down in savasana, close your eyes, and listen.

I’m still grieving, and I’ll write more about that soon.

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Thank you, thank you, thank you to my subscribers. The fact that you are interested in this work gives me energy to keep going.

If you pledged money, an especially big thank you. I wasn’t expecting that, and it made me brave enough to put content behind a paywall. I do need to make a living!

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I plan to keep most of my writing free, but I am creating exclusive posts and practices for people who’d like to support my work. Please consider becoming a paid subscriber. You’ll start by gaining access to this yoga nidra guided relaxation.

Thank you!

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Gather blankets, bolsters, pillows so that you are completely comfortable and join me for yoga nidra! 🩵