Queries for Katy: When to Quit

Finding pleasure in hard work - or letting it go

Every other week, I take on queries about midlife, transitions, and, of course, I love questions about down dog. Good news if you know me: I find other people’s problems much easier than my own. I can’t wait to weigh in on yours.

Submit your anonymous queries here.

Dear Katy, 

I’m going back to school to become a nurse after nearly thirty years of working in the service industry. I definitely need a change.

I’m in my second year at the community college and struggling. I study hard and think I understand the material but still get dismal grades. It’s really frustrating. I also work 30 hours a week and feel like I’m putting in as much time as I can. Any advice?

Frustrated and Failing

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Dear Frustrated,

First of all, you’re not failing. You’re at a crossroads, and you’re doing something new. I’m in a similar spot, and so are millions of people who find themselves, after a long career, needing to pivot. It’s really hard.  

You haven't mentioned rethinking your career choice, but I'm guessing that if you feel like you're failing, the thought is probably weighing on you.

I have two unpopular things to say about careers.

1. Quitting is often the best choice. Consider the sunk cost fallacy. If we have spent money and time and effort to do a thing, we are very likely to keep pushing on, no matter what. That’s why so many people die on Everest. You’re well on your way to the top of Everest, but what it took to get there is gone no matter what. All that matters now is what will give you the most satisfaction moving forward.  

2. Don’t follow your passion. Trust me, the fastest way to kill the joy you get from your passion is to make it your livelihood. Your mat, your horse, your tomatoes, whatever it is, is suddenly your job. You'll spend the vast majority of your time doing things you don’t enjoy so that you can spend a little bit of time doing the thing you love. And it's probably going to be really expensive. 

I'm figuring it out too, and here's what I'm looking for: Will the work be satisfying? Will I have enough time to do the things I love? Does the compensation match my efforts and experience?

Nursing might fit the bill for you exactly. 

This is on the way to Everest. I made it to the bottom and not a step farther.

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Now onto your grades. (Or, for the rest of us, anything that feels difficult and frustrating.)

Probably the most cited yoga sutra, at least in the West, is sthira sukham asanam (2.46). A good enough translation for now is to balance strength and ease in your practice. 

Sthira means steadiness and strength. You have that. You went back to school after 30 years. Clearly, you’re tenacious and strong. No problems there.

But maybe you need to balance it out a bit?

Sukham is the root word for sweet, like sugar or sucrose. This might sound counterintuitive, but what if you found ways to make your studies sweeter?

What’s the worst-case scenario if you fail? It’s probably not so terrible, and if you take that in, and the fear of failure diminishes, it’ll be easier to enjoy your work.

Speaking of enjoyment, what if you found one element of the content that interests you? Can you make that the thing that you spend your time learning? Here’s what I think will happen: you’ll need to branch out to understand it. When you do, you’ll approach other topics with more context and curiosity. You’ll learn more.

This approach may not lead to an A, but you’re not getting an A anyway, right? 

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The 30-second summary: 

Are you falling into the sunk cost fallacy and trudging along just because you’ve invested so much already? It’s really hard for me to quit anything I’ve sunk money or time into, even tossing the moldy blueberries I just bought. But holding on to what we can’t get back isn’t a great reason to eat moldy fruit.

Are you following your passion (or considering it)? Stop. Do you really want to turn what you love into your job?

The right amount of difficulty increases the effectiveness (and pleasure) of what we’re doing. Frustration means we're trying too hard and need to ease up. We'll get the most satisfaction from work if we're in the zone of “not too much, not too little”. Patanjali’s advice to act with both steadiness and ease sums it up best. 

Please be a nurse if that feels right. We need more nurses. And don't worry too much about the grades. They're coming if you want them. 

As always,

Katy

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